Forever and An Age Ago: Long Put-Off Post

A lot has happened since I stopped writing on this blog. I self-published three books – two in “The Six of Salem” series, “The Magic Awakens” and “Salem Moon” – and a poetry book called “Ode to Eight Years” chronicling my relationship with my boyfriend, Eric.

I’ve learned in the long years since my last post that I have major control issues & not where they should be. I want to control what happens in the world & my life. I hate change & I hate unpredictability. This is the hard lesson I’ve learned during the pandemic. I know the only things I can for sure control are my exercise & my eating habits. I was using a stationary bike for a few months and I toned up a lot. But when the scale didn’t move, I gave up – again. I was gaining muscle, I lost twelve inches in my thighs, but I gave up bc my belly & waist weren’t shrinking.

I also have been battling fibromyalgia & my mental illnesses. My doctor recently upped some of my meds because my paranoia was really bad, bordering on delusions. I’m much more stable now, but it was horrible for a while. I still get depressed but the paranoia is way way down. My mom dealt with the brunt of my mental illnesses for the most part, and I knew it was getting bad when I had suspicions about people I trusted and loved. The fibromyalgia is ten times worse in the cold weather, so ibuprofen has become my bff. The liquicaps have been a savior for me bc they’re fast-acting and sometimes every muscle in my body hurts horribly.

Other than that, I’m focusing on celebrating Thanksgiving & Christmas. We decorate for the holidays on Black Friday instead of shopping – we put up the tree & wreaths & kitsch (me and my mom) and our house, by that night, looks like a version of the North Pole. So I will be incredibly grateful that, every day after that, I can look at the glow of the tree with the beauty of our mismatched ornaments collected over the years & feel a bit of hope and happiness when I’m depressed.

In these tough times of the pandemic, I hope you all are staying safe and healthy to the best that you can. Follow precautions and take care of yourselves. I will try to post more.

Hugs & Love,

Kristin ❤ 🙂

Disappointment and Recovery

Yesterday, I spoke and sold my books at an indie author event with other authors, including my boyfriend.

I posted on Facebook about it for months.

And none of my family or friends showed.

It felt like a dagger to the heart – that no one cared enough to show. My brother tried, but I had my phone off during the event, so he couldn’t get through to me.

My boyfriend’s family members showed up to support us, which cheered me up. His aunt praised my speech and said my anxiety didn’t come through. Weirdly enough, I won the crowd over with my opening – a bright, cheery “Hello” with a half circle wave. They laughed and smiled. I stumbled sometimes, but I kept going. And I made them laugh a lot, so I consider the event a success. Plus I sold a couple of books.

I posted about it and expressed my pain about no one else showing, along with some songs to vent my emotions.

Now, all I can do is move forward.

I’m up to 140 pages in book two in my series – my mom took me and my boyfriend out to dinner to celebrate yesterday – and I got a decent amount of sleep, though I woke up at 2am.

Right now, I’m listening to “The Greatest Showman Reimagined”, and my favorite song is on – “This Is Me”. That’s the song I listen to whenever I feel insecure, hurt, or depressed. It’s a song that pushes me forward and lifts me up.

My chest hurts right now from the emotions I’m feeling, and I’ll probably have some honey lavender stress relief tea from Yogi brand. I’ll put on a good movie to distract me, finish my orange juice – which I rarely get because my mom gives me the lecture of fruit vs. juice, and try to dust myself off and get back up.

This isn’t the end.

It’s the beginning.

Back After a Long Hiatus

Sorry I haven’t been writing on here. A lot has gone on in the past year.

In 2019, my first book in “The Six of Salem” series, “The Magic Awakens”, was self-published. The success has been mild, but I’m doing an indie author event this month to hopefully attract readers, along with some other indie authors, including Eric Nierstedt, who wrote “SILENT PANTHEON”. I’ve been doing a lot of networking on Twitter, updating my Facebook author page, while coping with my mental health issues along the way.

As always, the holiday months are hard for me. I lost my dad in December of 2009, and, even though it’s been ten years, I miss him with every beat of my heart. Around this time of year, I can’t listen to Bing Crosby singing Christmas carols without crying. And watching “Christmas Vacation” makes me miss him even more – it was his favorite Christmas movie.

I always wish I could have one more cup of coffee with him as he smokes a Marlboro Light because that scent brings more memories to me than anything ever could. We would be at the lake house or a diner (when smoking was allowed in restaurants and public places) and he’d be smoking a cigarette as we ate or drank coffee. I know…stupid to miss because it probably contributed to his health issues…but that smell is a smell from my childhood AND adulthood. It will always remind me of my dad.

I wish I could have one more of his bear hugs. I wish I had him to cry on his shoulder when I’m depressed or to just tell me everything will be okay. We had a rocky relationship, but in the turmoil in my life I wish I still had him. I never ever wanted to lose him. Now…I won’t have him to walk me down the aisle or dance a father-daughter dance with me at my wedding someday. And every time I’m at a wedding and see both of those things or hear my parents’s song, I cry.

On a more upbeat note, I went to the Asbury Park zombie walk yesterday. We saw so many amazing zombie costumes, including my best friend’s group with their themed zombies. I caught a cold because I left my fleece off for a half hour or so from getting hot in the sunlight on the boardwalk, but my mom is going to try to pick up Umcka for me, which reduces the severity of a cold and lessens the duration. I’m going to be drinking water all day because my throat feels so dry and irritated, and tea with honey and lemon. We were at the walk from 1:30 – 6:30 yesterday, so by the time I got home, I was sooooo exhausted – went to bed at 9pm and slept straight through til 2:45 (yeah, I wake up at crazy hours).

That’s basically what’s been going on in the past year – success, fun, and yet still grief over my dad. I don’t think you ever get over losing a parent. There’s always a space in your heart that can’t be filled. The most I can do during this holiday season is focus on the good moments, the happy moments, and get to the finish line with book two in my series (almost there).

Hope all my readers are doing well – and take care of your mental health, taking time for self-care and healing time.

Love and Hugs,

Kristin

Achieving Your Dreams and Mental Health

Okay, this week has me nervous, excited, dreading, anxious, all the range of emotions – because I am self-publishing my first book. It is a paranormal romance book – the first in a series of four books – and I am shaking in my sneakers.

Part of me thinks – what if I do all the work promoting and it goes nowhere? Then part of me thinks – what if it’s a big success? It could go either way. I believe in my book tremendously – I put my heart, soul, and tears into this book. It is a story I believe will change hearts, instill emotion, and maybe even have a few creepy scare scenes get underneath people’s skin. But most of all, I want people to enjoy it. I want them to read it and love it as much as I do.

If this book failed, I know I would be depressed.

When I think about the work I’ll have to do to promote and push this book, I think of Paige in “Fighting With My Family”. I remember how she was ready to give up at one point when she was training. But her brother gave her the push to go back. That’s what my boyfriend Eric did. He talked to me frankly and honestly yesterday. He said, “Expect the best, and prepare for the worst. And be ready to do the hard work.” I will go to conventions, look for places to do signings, and do any kind of promotional work I can. My boyfriend and I even discussed sharing a table at a convention with our books – we could split the cost of the table 50/50 – maybe even dress in costume to make it fun (I’ve never cosplayed before).

The bottom line is mental health comes into play a lot – especially if you suffer from any kind of mental illness. Even if you are achieving a life dream and should be on cloud nine. And it’s okay to feel what you feel. Just try not to let it control you or make you give up.

Travel to the end of the rainbow – and you may find a paradise – and a pot of gold.

 

Who You Are – And Who You Pretend To Be

I do pretending to a degree.

When I’m around certain people, I pretend to be the smiling, kind of normal, outgoing “good girl”.

But that’s not who I am.

I’m the girl who loves writing about paranormal with some romance in it and is working on learning to write fantasy. I’m the girl who loves metal and punk. I’m the girl who is socially awkward and weird – and no one should be trying to change that about me – because it’s part of WHO I AM. I’m the girl who deals with bipolar disorder – with intense depressive episodes, debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, and mental breakdowns. I’m the girl who is bisexual and is attracted to other women at times (mores based on who they are as a person than appearance).

I’m the girl who loves t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers. I’m the girl who loves food. I’m the girl who has a dark side to her. I’m a girl who loves to use profanity when applicable. I’m the girl who loves Hallmark Christmas movies and wishes she could put up her Christmas Tree in September. I’m the girl who loves iZombie, Freddy Krueger, Nightmare Before Christmas, The Craft, and Hocus Pocus. I’m the girl who wishes she could fly around on a broom stick – Winifred Sanderson-like.

I’m not normal. I’m not socially smooth. I’m not the “good girl” all the time. And I shouldn’t have to pretend to be.

I am who I am.

Not who you wish I was.

Moments of Doubt – Human Nature?

Ever doubt where your life is heading? Or the talents and abilities you have?

I am in my second round of edits on my first novel and writing the second book in the series – and I find myself asking: Am I ever going to be a best-seller? Am I good enough to be a best-seller? Are people going to find some kind of gifts in my writing that will help their lives? Will they enjoy what I’ve worked so hard on?

There’s also life itself: Will I ever move out of my mother’s house? Will I actually get married to the love of my life, who I’ve been with for seven years? Will I have children later on and be a good mother?

I’m struggling with so much doubt. And it’s debilitating. I find myself frozen in a sense – unable to move forward. The kind of frozen where I zone out and don’t want to talk about it – which is why I’m writing about it here. I don’t want to hold it in and become completely emotionally and mentally immobile. Because I’m edging towards that verge.

I bought three books to get me educated with the genre my next book series will be in – I want to be well-versed in it before I start it because I’ve never written in fantasy or adventure. I got “The Hobbit”, “Fellowship of the Ring”, and “The Sword of Shannara”. Starting off with the last book I listed, based on my boyfriend’s advice. He also said he can help me with my next series because that’s his specialty. So I have someone knowledgable in the genre to bounce ideas off of.

I just need a day to de-compress. Yesterday I was a mess. My emotions were all over the place, and the only stress reliever I had was squishing beef and meatball ingredients together (made spaghetti with homemade meatballs and sauce). My boyfriend stopped by, but I was still feeling depressed after that. The delicious food didn’t help, and I just felt…lost and full of insecurity and doubt.

I don’t know how I will get through this – I don’t know how I will keep going till I see my therapist Thursday to vent about everything – but either I make it through or I stay curled on the couch in the air conditioning.

This is a rough time for me. I feel depressed and doubtful and I’m not sure what will get me out of it. Thankfully, I have my boyfriend and mom. But I feel like I can’t even open up to them. But I know they will read this. So, in a way, I am talking to them.

I just hope I can manage to keep off the couch for at least 20% of the day today. That would be a step in the right direction.

Love and Hugs to All My Readers Who May Be Going Through Similar Issues,

Kristin ❤

“Unapologetically” Me & Much to Be Excited About

My anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up!

We are going to our favorite Irish restaurant and then going to see Avengers: Endgame. No spoilers please – even if I will cry through the whole thing!

We’ve been together seven years, and it’s been a lot of ups and downs – working through issues – withstanding the struggles – and still managing to prove our love every day. But we are making it. I truly believe he’s my soulmate.

Other than that, a Pride Festival is coming up in June. I already got my attire for it, and a few of my friends AND my boyfriend are coming to support me. I am so grateful. Definitely bringing my camera.

I am working on book two in my series – which will be a secret until I finish it – and I am waiting one more week for round two of editing in my first book. I think it will be ready for publishing by October, which is perfect timing. I have a cover artist and my Facebook page for my writing has been up for months. I also tweet a lot about writing and my books. I’ve been gaining more followers every day and I am so thankful for the support.

Everything seems to be going so well, knock on wood, and I am so thankful. I hope it continues for a long time because 2018 was a rough year. I need fate to smile on me and for joy and happiness to return. I’ve been happy more than depressed which is really good. And my anxiety has been slightly lowered. Today is food shopping so we will see if I can get through without an anxiety attack.

Hope my readers are doing well and wishing you happiness, success, luck, and love,

Kristin ❤

Chaos at Home & My Inner Life

Our house is full of chaos.

Books stacked everywhere with no organization.

My candles and smudging shell on the table – though I do use them almost everyday.

Papers and flyers piled on the laptop holder.

DVD’s in disarray (well some of them).

Today I looked around and my insides were jumping everywhere, I felt a frenzy and a discomfort that I couldn’t handle. I looked around and closed my eyes, blocking out the chaos for a minute so I could regroup.

My sister has always told me that clutter affects you inside, and I never felt it until now. It affects the rest of your life.

The art room is currently in complete chaos because we have been saying for months that we are moving my bedroom there, but it hasn’t happened yet. The only clear thing is my wooden dresser in there, and that’s because I put together my Funko case and organized some of my new Funko Pops.

This organization is going to be a major overhaul.

I have to put together all the books on the shelf in the art room – by what I’m going to read, first to last.

I have to clear the table by the couch of books and find another spot for them and organize them (leaving only the library books).

I have to put all of the other stuff laying around away and start to organize the room I’m moving into.

I aim for transparency, vulnerability, and complete honesty in my blog.

Well, may I say my surroundings are in chaos, and it’s getting to me.

To de-stress for the moment, I’m watching one of the DVDs I brought home from the library and having more coffee – because my head is pounding and I feel half-asleep.

Staying up till 11:45 and waking up at 6:30 doesn’t make for a good night’s sleep. I should’ve stayed in bed.

Well, I know what this weekend will entail – hard work interspersed with relaxing while watching library DVDs. An even balance.

Hope this inspires some of you to work through the clutter, if you have any, and organize your external & internal lives.

Love and Hugs,

Kristin ❤

Strength and the Courage to Chase Your Dreams

I have some news to announce…

I finished the first draft of my first book in the series I’m writing!

I’m letting it sit for two or three weeks before editing.

I have a good book to help me with self-publishing and the process leading up to it, and I have my boyfriend to help me edit the first three times before finding an editor to polish it.

I was up to 196 pages, and on Monday, I was determined to finish it. The fire was in me, and I wrote until it was done. The outline for the last chapter & epilogue helped. When it was done, I felt I accomplished the biggest thing since graduating undergrad – I was closer to my dream of being a published author!

I am celebrating this weekend with my mom – next week with my boyfriend – and at Easter with my family.

Now comes the gritty part – the editing and formatting much later on.

I also wanted to talk about strength.

I still worry what people think of me – I know, I thought I was over it, but my anxiety still makes me worry.

Strength is getting through the tough parts of life. Strength is sticking it out when you feel your worst. Strength is holding on and cherishing life.

I thought strength meant physical strength and having a tough attitude, but it isn’t.

Strength is setting boundaries, not letting people walk all over you, and still managing to be kind & compassionate.

It’s facing the most difficult situations in life with courage.

My boyfriend reminded me – courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

So everyone who reads this, have true strength and courage. Face life with determination, passion, and savor every moment.

That’s what life was meant for – finding joy in the simple things and following your purpose and chasing your dreams.

To all the dream chasers, have strength & courage – and carry on.

Love and Hugs,

Kristin ❤

The Bullied and the Bully

From fifth grade to eighth grade, I was bullied mercilessly day in and day out. I would try to stand up for myself, and they’d come back at me more fiercely – until I burst out crying. Then they’d laugh about me crying. One girl even took a toy gun I had brought with me and my friends to play a laughable game and aimed it at my head as she taunted me.

It didn’t end between classes. It went on during classes, they ruined one of my binders with all D-Generation X pictures in it (and the teacher blamed me, saying I should’ve given it to her – never once chastising them for ruining my property bc she hated me), they made fun of my efforts to get the school rebuilt, when I was alone they made fun of the fact that I wished I had my best friend from my other school back, they made fun of me to and from gym – the list goes on.

I’m not innocent in all of this. I’ve had my moments of being a bully. In my first grammar school and online and I almost constantly fought with a friend who lived next door to me (but we always forgave each other). The real friends I have from grammar school and junior high have lasted to this day – we have survived fights that ranged from ridiculous to terrible.

My point is, like Aleister Black’s motto goes, “No man is completely good, no man is completely evil”. And with age comes wisdom (unfortunately not at all moments).

I’ve carried both pain and regret with me for years on end. Into my 30’s. I’m hoping to wipe my slate clean – of the past and my own mistakes.

Because I was bullied for so many years, I expect everyone else to be the same. When I go to stores, when I go out to eat, when I go food shopping, I expect others to turn around and rip into me. I live in fear of my life repeating itself.

Recently, I told Nia Jax I didn’t believe in heroes.

There are heroes.

Those who stand up for what is right.

Those who stand up for the ones who struggle.

Those who fight for a just cause.

Those who stand up for those who are bullied.

Those who DO what is right.

I haven’t always done what is right in my life, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I own them. I am no angel, but I am no devil.

The best we can do is own our mistakes and keep trying to do better. And the best I can do now is try to heal the pain I still carry from so long ago. I apologized to my other friend that was bullied when we were kids a few years ago and said I was sorry for any pain I might’ve caused her & said I should’ve stood up for her. I didn’t have the courage.

Fear still strikes my heart when I think about those years. I know I should be over it by now, but I’m not – because I’ve experienced bullying as a woman in my 30’s. I don’t think it ever ends. Like Bowling For Soup says, “High School Never Ends”. The most we can do is try to be kind, peaceful people ourselves. It doesn’t mean we won’t get angry or irritated, but it means we can do our best not to hurt others.

Hoping This Helps Others in Some Way or Form,

Kristin ❤