Ever doubt where your life is heading? Or the talents and abilities you have?
I am in my second round of edits on my first novel and writing the second book in the series – and I find myself asking: Am I ever going to be a best-seller? Am I good enough to be a best-seller? Are people going to find some kind of gifts in my writing that will help their lives? Will they enjoy what I’ve worked so hard on?
There’s also life itself: Will I ever move out of my mother’s house? Will I actually get married to the love of my life, who I’ve been with for seven years? Will I have children later on and be a good mother?
I’m struggling with so much doubt. And it’s debilitating. I find myself frozen in a sense – unable to move forward. The kind of frozen where I zone out and don’t want to talk about it – which is why I’m writing about it here. I don’t want to hold it in and become completely emotionally and mentally immobile. Because I’m edging towards that verge.
I bought three books to get me educated with the genre my next book series will be in – I want to be well-versed in it before I start it because I’ve never written in fantasy or adventure. I got “The Hobbit”, “Fellowship of the Ring”, and “The Sword of Shannara”. Starting off with the last book I listed, based on my boyfriend’s advice. He also said he can help me with my next series because that’s his specialty. So I have someone knowledgable in the genre to bounce ideas off of.
I just need a day to de-compress. Yesterday I was a mess. My emotions were all over the place, and the only stress reliever I had was squishing beef and meatball ingredients together (made spaghetti with homemade meatballs and sauce). My boyfriend stopped by, but I was still feeling depressed after that. The delicious food didn’t help, and I just felt…lost and full of insecurity and doubt.
I don’t know how I will get through this – I don’t know how I will keep going till I see my therapist Thursday to vent about everything – but either I make it through or I stay curled on the couch in the air conditioning.
This is a rough time for me. I feel depressed and doubtful and I’m not sure what will get me out of it. Thankfully, I have my boyfriend and mom. But I feel like I can’t even open up to them. But I know they will read this. So, in a way, I am talking to them.
I just hope I can manage to keep off the couch for at least 20% of the day today. That would be a step in the right direction.
Love and Hugs to All My Readers Who May Be Going Through Similar Issues,