Moments of Doubt – Human Nature?

Ever doubt where your life is heading? Or the talents and abilities you have?

I am in my second round of edits on my first novel and writing the second book in the series – and I find myself asking: Am I ever going to be a best-seller? Am I good enough to be a best-seller? Are people going to find some kind of gifts in my writing that will help their lives? Will they enjoy what I’ve worked so hard on?

There’s also life itself: Will I ever move out of my mother’s house? Will I actually get married to the love of my life, who I’ve been with for seven years? Will I have children later on and be a good mother?

I’m struggling with so much doubt. And it’s debilitating. I find myself frozen in a sense – unable to move forward. The kind of frozen where I zone out and don’t want to talk about it – which is why I’m writing about it here. I don’t want to hold it in and become completely emotionally and mentally immobile. Because I’m edging towards that verge.

I bought three books to get me educated with the genre my next book series will be in – I want to be well-versed in it before I start it because I’ve never written in fantasy or adventure. I got “The Hobbit”, “Fellowship of the Ring”, and “The Sword of Shannara”. Starting off with the last book I listed, based on my boyfriend’s advice. He also said he can help me with my next series because that’s his specialty. So I have someone knowledgable in the genre to bounce ideas off of.

I just need a day to de-compress. Yesterday I was a mess. My emotions were all over the place, and the only stress reliever I had was squishing beef and meatball ingredients together (made spaghetti with homemade meatballs and sauce). My boyfriend stopped by, but I was still feeling depressed after that. The delicious food didn’t help, and I just felt…lost and full of insecurity and doubt.

I don’t know how I will get through this – I don’t know how I will keep going till I see my therapist Thursday to vent about everything – but either I make it through or I stay curled on the couch in the air conditioning.

This is a rough time for me. I feel depressed and doubtful and I’m not sure what will get me out of it. Thankfully, I have my boyfriend and mom. But I feel like I can’t even open up to them. But I know they will read this. So, in a way, I am talking to them.

I just hope I can manage to keep off the couch for at least 20% of the day today. That would be a step in the right direction.

Love and Hugs to All My Readers Who May Be Going Through Similar Issues,

Kristin ❤

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“Unapologetically” Me & Much to Be Excited About

My anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up!

We are going to our favorite Irish restaurant and then going to see Avengers: Endgame. No spoilers please – even if I will cry through the whole thing!

We’ve been together seven years, and it’s been a lot of ups and downs – working through issues – withstanding the struggles – and still managing to prove our love every day. But we are making it. I truly believe he’s my soulmate.

Other than that, a Pride Festival is coming up in June. I already got my attire for it, and a few of my friends AND my boyfriend are coming to support me. I am so grateful. Definitely bringing my camera.

I am working on book two in my series – which will be a secret until I finish it – and I am waiting one more week for round two of editing in my first book. I think it will be ready for publishing by October, which is perfect timing. I have a cover artist and my Facebook page for my writing has been up for months. I also tweet a lot about writing and my books. I’ve been gaining more followers every day and I am so thankful for the support.

Everything seems to be going so well, knock on wood, and I am so thankful. I hope it continues for a long time because 2018 was a rough year. I need fate to smile on me and for joy and happiness to return. I’ve been happy more than depressed which is really good. And my anxiety has been slightly lowered. Today is food shopping so we will see if I can get through without an anxiety attack.

Hope my readers are doing well and wishing you happiness, success, luck, and love,

Kristin ❤

Chaos at Home & My Inner Life

Our house is full of chaos.

Books stacked everywhere with no organization.

My candles and smudging shell on the table – though I do use them almost everyday.

Papers and flyers piled on the laptop holder.

DVD’s in disarray (well some of them).

Today I looked around and my insides were jumping everywhere, I felt a frenzy and a discomfort that I couldn’t handle. I looked around and closed my eyes, blocking out the chaos for a minute so I could regroup.

My sister has always told me that clutter affects you inside, and I never felt it until now. It affects the rest of your life.

The art room is currently in complete chaos because we have been saying for months that we are moving my bedroom there, but it hasn’t happened yet. The only clear thing is my wooden dresser in there, and that’s because I put together my Funko case and organized some of my new Funko Pops.

This organization is going to be a major overhaul.

I have to put together all the books on the shelf in the art room – by what I’m going to read, first to last.

I have to clear the table by the couch of books and find another spot for them and organize them (leaving only the library books).

I have to put all of the other stuff laying around away and start to organize the room I’m moving into.

I aim for transparency, vulnerability, and complete honesty in my blog.

Well, may I say my surroundings are in chaos, and it’s getting to me.

To de-stress for the moment, I’m watching one of the DVDs I brought home from the library and having more coffee – because my head is pounding and I feel half-asleep.

Staying up till 11:45 and waking up at 6:30 doesn’t make for a good night’s sleep. I should’ve stayed in bed.

Well, I know what this weekend will entail – hard work interspersed with relaxing while watching library DVDs. An even balance.

Hope this inspires some of you to work through the clutter, if you have any, and organize your external & internal lives.

Love and Hugs,

Kristin ❤

Strength and the Courage to Chase Your Dreams

I have some news to announce…

I finished the first draft of my first book in the series I’m writing!

I’m letting it sit for two or three weeks before editing.

I have a good book to help me with self-publishing and the process leading up to it, and I have my boyfriend to help me edit the first three times before finding an editor to polish it.

I was up to 196 pages, and on Monday, I was determined to finish it. The fire was in me, and I wrote until it was done. The outline for the last chapter & epilogue helped. When it was done, I felt I accomplished the biggest thing since graduating undergrad – I was closer to my dream of being a published author!

I am celebrating this weekend with my mom – next week with my boyfriend – and at Easter with my family.

Now comes the gritty part – the editing and formatting much later on.

I also wanted to talk about strength.

I still worry what people think of me – I know, I thought I was over it, but my anxiety still makes me worry.

Strength is getting through the tough parts of life. Strength is sticking it out when you feel your worst. Strength is holding on and cherishing life.

I thought strength meant physical strength and having a tough attitude, but it isn’t.

Strength is setting boundaries, not letting people walk all over you, and still managing to be kind & compassionate.

It’s facing the most difficult situations in life with courage.

My boyfriend reminded me – courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

So everyone who reads this, have true strength and courage. Face life with determination, passion, and savor every moment.

That’s what life was meant for – finding joy in the simple things and following your purpose and chasing your dreams.

To all the dream chasers, have strength & courage – and carry on.

Love and Hugs,

Kristin ❤

The Bullied and the Bully

From fifth grade to eighth grade, I was bullied mercilessly day in and day out. I would try to stand up for myself, and they’d come back at me more fiercely – until I burst out crying. Then they’d laugh about me crying. One girl even took a toy gun I had brought with me and my friends to play a laughable game and aimed it at my head as she taunted me.

It didn’t end between classes. It went on during classes, they ruined one of my binders with all D-Generation X pictures in it (and the teacher blamed me, saying I should’ve given it to her – never once chastising them for ruining my property bc she hated me), they made fun of my efforts to get the school rebuilt, when I was alone they made fun of the fact that I wished I had my best friend from my other school back, they made fun of me to and from gym – the list goes on.

I’m not innocent in all of this. I’ve had my moments of being a bully. In my first grammar school and online and I almost constantly fought with a friend who lived next door to me (but we always forgave each other). The real friends I have from grammar school and junior high have lasted to this day – we have survived fights that ranged from ridiculous to terrible.

My point is, like Aleister Black’s motto goes, “No man is completely good, no man is completely evil”. And with age comes wisdom (unfortunately not at all moments).

I’ve carried both pain and regret with me for years on end. Into my 30’s. I’m hoping to wipe my slate clean – of the past and my own mistakes.

Because I was bullied for so many years, I expect everyone else to be the same. When I go to stores, when I go out to eat, when I go food shopping, I expect others to turn around and rip into me. I live in fear of my life repeating itself.

Recently, I told Nia Jax I didn’t believe in heroes.

There are heroes.

Those who stand up for what is right.

Those who stand up for the ones who struggle.

Those who fight for a just cause.

Those who stand up for those who are bullied.

Those who DO what is right.

I haven’t always done what is right in my life, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I own them. I am no angel, but I am no devil.

The best we can do is own our mistakes and keep trying to do better. And the best I can do now is try to heal the pain I still carry from so long ago. I apologized to my other friend that was bullied when we were kids a few years ago and said I was sorry for any pain I might’ve caused her & said I should’ve stood up for her. I didn’t have the courage.

Fear still strikes my heart when I think about those years. I know I should be over it by now, but I’m not – because I’ve experienced bullying as a woman in my 30’s. I don’t think it ever ends. Like Bowling For Soup says, “High School Never Ends”. The most we can do is try to be kind, peaceful people ourselves. It doesn’t mean we won’t get angry or irritated, but it means we can do our best not to hurt others.

Hoping This Helps Others in Some Way or Form,

Kristin ❤

 

Back to Working Out!

Ever been motivated by something silly?

I was watching the Golden Girls episode “Rites of Spring” where they go to the all women’s health club, and Dorthy and Blanche wear those sparkly 80’s workout outfits. And I thought, damn I’d like to workout like that! (insert laughter here)

Then I was feeling sick, because every few months, one day that month I feel so sick I could puke no matter what I eat. I think it’s a hormonal IBS. When I was feeling a little better, I got into regular workout clothes and walked while watching “The Craft” for almost half an hour – got a little over 3000 steps in.

I feel energized, my stomach is better, and I’m more motivated to workout. On top of that, I feel happier and not as angry about how sick I felt. I am doing aerobics after I talk to my sister, and trying to get to 5000 steps today. Starting out midway to 10,000.

On top of that, promoting the book I’ve been writing has been going well, and I am almost finished with the writing. Then it will have to sit for two weeks before I go through the whole thing and edit. Then there’s the whole polishing and publishing part of it. But I’m more than willing to put in the work.

Overall, feeling better. My anxiety attacks have been more frequent, but it’s more over the shocking way of how well everything else has been going. When I focus too much on the anxiety, I near mental breakdowns. My boyfriend helps me get them under control and he distracts me with humor so I laugh and get through it.

My boyfriend is a gem – he reads everything I write and gives me constructive criticism, even if sometimes my pride gets in the way of accepting some of it, he calls when he gets worried about me, and he helps me through my hardest times.

I just want to say to him – I love you and I appreciate you, babe. ❤

Hope all my readers have someone special in their lives or a good support system and some good things going on in their lives ❤

Love and Hugs ❤

Kristin

Survival And Re-Discovering Passion For Life

The past few weeks have been a storm to say the least. Last week I had two mental breakdowns, and it was terrifying. Losing total control of what you’re feeling, hyperventilating, and sobbing. I let my depression and my issues get the best of me.

But I talked to a few people and I realized something…

When I’m working out…when I’m walking, jogging, doing aerobics, or lifting weights – and doing it regularly – I feel better. Last spring, I was unstoppable. But a crisis hit in the summer, and I stopped. Also, I wasn’t losing on the scale, despite getting smaller, and I was really discouraged.

But I wasn’t tracking my food. I was thinking, “Okay, if I’m working out, I can indulge somewhat…”, and it kept me from losing.

I also feel better when I’m writing. I feel energy blasting through me and transferring to the page on the screen. Afterwards, I’m so energized that – if I write at night – it takes a while for me to wind down and get to sleep.

I also made a decision – I’m going to a Pride festival and parade. I’m being proud of being bisexual, and my boyfriend and some friends are going with me to support me. I feel so blessed to have a boyfriend that accepts who I am – friends who accept who I am – family that accepts who I am. Because I know others aren’t as fortunate and go through hell because of it.

So I am working on taking care of myself by getting healthier and more fit, getting to the end of my book, and celebrating who I am.

Tonight I might be going out to eat to celebrate my rediscovery of passion for life. I am grateful to be alive – because, to be honest, there were times I thought I wouldn’t be. I chose life. I chose my loved ones. I chose my purpose. I chose to hang on.

And I hope anyone going through the same thing does the same – holds on and chooses life.

Because there’s sunshine and a rainbow on the other side.

Love and Hugs to my Readers,

Kristin ❤